WHAT IS PASTAFARIANISM?
The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, also known as Pastafarianism, is a religion and social movement centered around the belief that a great Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM) created the universe by accident in a state of inebriation. Everything that happens around us is a result of the FSM, and His holy actions can explain a lot of natural phenomena.
Take gravity, for example. Why do we stay pressed onto the ground without floating upward? No one can easily answer this except Pastafarians. We believe the Flying Spaghetti Monster is pressing us all into the ground with His Noodly Appendages, and that's the true cause of gravity.
Don't believe me? There's significant evidence to back this up. It's a known fact that humans have grown taller on average over many thousands of years. It's also true that the population is steadily increasing. How are these two facts correlated, you may wonder? Back when there were fewer humans on Earth, the Flying Spaghetti Monster could more easily press down on each person. As the population grows, He has a lot more work to do! It's simple logical reasoning! I'm short, which means the FSM probably pays special attention to me.
Pastafarianism was officially created in 2005 by Bobby Henderson as a protest against the teaching of intelligent design in schools. He argued that if Christians had the right to influence education with their doctrine, so should the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Henderson wrote down the tenets of the Church in The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, available for free online. Pastafarianism gained traction in the early 2000s and became an important symbol of religious freedom. Devotees like to wear colanders on their heads as a symbol of their dedication. Pastafarians reject dogma, so we have unlimited freedom in our beliefs! You don't even have to believe in the FSM to be a Pastafarian, but I sure do. He has spoken to me many times!
Some of the important things Pastafarians believe:
Pirates are the ultimate holy beings. There is no better thing to be than a pirate! In fact, the decrease in the pirate population over the last few hundreds of years is directly correlated with the increase of global warming. If we had more pirates, the climate crisis would be solved! It makes sense, because we would have fewer landlubbers driving cars and building factories.
Pastafarian Heaven is a magical place! When you die and go to heaven, there's a beer volcano and strippers! I imagine the volcano could be filled with any beverage of your choice, if you're not a fan of beer. It's individual; there's no dogma here! Pastafarian Hell is similar, but the beer is stale and all the strippers have sexually transmitted diseases.
We are not content with celebrating holidays only a few times a year. In Pastafarianism, every day is a holiday! As I write this on April 1, today is Spaghetti Harvest Day! Tomorrow is Existential Angst Day. For all the Pastafarian holidays, you can visit this website. You can use it to find which holiday is on your birthday - mine is Racist Depreciation Day!
My Pastafarian Story
I was born to be a Pastafarian! When I was a very young child, my parents always fed me Spaghetti-O's. They thought this was the best and most convenient baby food. So I developed a taste for pasta at a very young age! I learned to make my own spaghetti at the age of 6, and for the first decade of my life it was the only thing I would eat. Eventually I tried other pasta shapes, and my world expanded! But I always felt a special connection to spaghetti.
If you look very closely in spaghetti, you can see that it is sending messages to you. It has a special ability to do this, because the noodles twist into geometric shapes that transmit information about life, the universe, the future, and good music. It's kind of like DMT. Most people eat spaghetti too fast to notice its wisdom, but not me! Most of my dreams throughout my life have featured spaghetti prominently. Sometimes the spaghetti talked to me; other times it just silently observed. Many times it foretold future events in my life or gave me wise advice I carried with me for years.
So I came to the conclusion that spaghetti was so important to the fabric of the universe and to me that I should treat it as a higher power. I became a Pastafarian, and now I celebrate every single Pastafarian holiday! I eat pasta almost every day, sometimes twice a day. I ate spaghetti 345 times in 2023, and 357 times in 2024, and other pastas countless more times! I'm truly dedicated. And I'm a pirate now!
Not only do I worship pasta and pirates for their infinite wisdom, but I appreciate the absurdist and whimsical message of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and I think we need more social consciousness like that in this world, especially today. I grew up in Florida, and the Florida education system is not known to be exceptional. We actually had some science teachers who promoted creationism! I can't believe that was allowed. It makes me angry when people tell you what to believe. So I appreciate a religion with hardly any instructions, only whimsy! I'm not trying to convert anyone. I'm just here to enrich your knowledge of the joys of pasta, much like the flour in pasta is enriched with nutrients.
Thank you for reading! RAmen. 🙏